Jerry, you need to find god
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
