Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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