cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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