Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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