You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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