I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
