what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
there is puke in my bra ... again
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
