Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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