Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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