So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I lost the right to judge tonight
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize