i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
