Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
