but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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