Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
soo... how was my night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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