I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
