dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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