My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
