Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
