At least make sure they are 18
Why
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
me + whiskey = a bad person
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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