I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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