dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I wish I only lived at night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
