my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
