i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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