you mean i was at the winter classic?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
