I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
