I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
