and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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