Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
