i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
