Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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