I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
