I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize