Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
