girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
