Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you will always have a special place in my vag
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
