a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
