i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
