Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
