this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
