what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
