i just sent this text using only my big toe
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
