why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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