This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
