I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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