I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
