I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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