Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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