Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
the raccoons are back...
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