just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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