the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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