if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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