Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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