I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
