Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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