please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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