Define "chronic" masturbator.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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