I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
