Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We talked him into tasing himself.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize