The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
third nipple confirmed
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
