Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
