I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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