Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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