the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
